


I'll Drive My Car (Without the Brakes)

by crankyrage



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Abortion, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 21:15:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12802521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crankyrage/pseuds/crankyrage
Summary: Mitch makes mistakes all the time. It’s a given really, for anyone his age. You fall down, you get back up, and all that other shit.





	I'll Drive My Car (Without the Brakes)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting twice in the same month -- I don't even know who I am anymore.
> 
> Honestly, this is just pure procrastination from my McEichel fic that's a monster 45k right now and not anywhere where I want it to be. So, instead, I distracted myself with that looming failure with this guy.
> 
> Warning: Mentions (and more) of abortion and mpreg. Please do not read if you're triggered by the mention or act of abortion.
> 
> Title from Mountain at My Gates by Foals
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing and mean no harm by using any real-life person or their likeness; this is simply a work of fiction for entertainment value.

Mitch makes mistakes all the time. It’s a given really, for anyone his age. You fall down, you get back up, and all that other shit.

He’s a positive person; it’s kind of his thing. When people see him, they see sunshine – it’s pretty flattering. It’s not that he doesn’t know that mistakes matter, but he’s never seen the point of stressing about things in the past. You fuck up, you do your best to make it better and move on. You can control how you react, and that’s all. You can’t get in time machine and go back.

That’s how he lives his life. In retrospect, he should have known that there are things in life – fuck-ups – that aren’t that easy to get over or remedy. 

He’s felt like shit for a while. His body just feels – something’s just off, and he doesn’t know what. He can’t sleep through the night, and he keeps getting these weird bouts of nausea that come and go on a dime.

Auston gets on him about seeing the team doctor. “I’m not touching your dick until you get checked out,” he finally tells Mitch. Let it be known that Auston Matthews fights fucking dirty.

“Not fair,” Mitch whines into Auston’s thigh.

Auston, the fucker doesn’t even look up from whatever he’s watching on TV; Mitch can’t even tell what it is anymore. “You fucking had mono during the playoffs last year, and I’m not going through that again.”

“So it’s about you?” Mitch laughs.

“Duh,” Auston says, and when Mitch looks up he’s turning red. “I don’t want to deal with some drawn out illness that could have been cured in five-minutes if you got it taken care of earlier.”

Mitch scoffs.

“Marns, c’mon—“ Auston complains, “You know, fucker, that I don’t want to see you down. So, do it for me and get checked out, alright? I’m sure it’s nothing.”

That’s how he ends up with Dr. Murray giving him a judgmental look and telling him to pee on a stick.

“But – but—“ Mitch stutters. “We’re careful.”

“I’m sure,” Dr. Murray says neutrally.

Mitch has known he’s carried the gene since he was about 13. He’s never viewed it as a big deal. There’s nothing he could do about it, so why worry about it or let it make him feel less than? 

Some of the older guys may think it’s kind of a taboo thing, but for most people around Mitch’s age, it’s just a fact of life: some dudes can get pregnant. Shit happens. The real fucked up shit is who’s president of the United States – when that shit’s happening, it’s pretty hard to think that guys having kids with other guys is a big deal.

“I swear – really – I’ve never missed my birth control, and we almost always use a condom.”

“Okay, Mitch, so we’ll both get a good laugh out of this. Let’s just rule it out, then,” Dr. Murray replies rolling his eyes slightly at Mitch’s antics. Par for the course, really.

They don’t rule it out.

“So, the preliminary test came back positive; we’ll have to draw some blood to confirm—“

Mitch doesn’t hear the rest of whatever he’s saying because fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He wasn’t lying, they were always super careful – even when – well sometimes when they’re drinking after wins and— Fuck.

“Mitch, are you still with me, buddy?”

Mitch nods numbly feeling like he’s going to be seeing his breakfast again.

“Hey, kiddo,” Dr. Murray says crouching down so that they’re eye level with one another. “This isn’t a death sentence, alright? Things happen, and you have options. We’ll take the blood to confirm, see how far along you are, and then we can talk about options? Okay? Take a breath.”

Mitch nods slowly, but he can feel his eyes getting wet.

They don’t have a game for a few days, which Mitch is grateful for. He can avoid the guys and Auston – fuck Auston. How the hell is he going to tell Auston?

He has to pull over to the side of the road to get sick when he thinks about it, which according to his later calculations, makes it the worst day of his life.

He goes back to his apartment, naps, and ignores Auston’s messages asking him how his appointment went. He’s still clinging to the hope of a false positive. It would be – irresponsible – of him to tell Auston anything before it’s confirmed.

It’s a rough few days, and when he gets called back to Dr. Murray’s office and leaves with a handful of pamphlets and the name of a specialist to call and set up an appointment with, he almost can’t function.

Auston’s at his apartment when Mitch gets back still reeling. “I let myself in,” he says in lieu of a greeting. “Hope that’s okay – I just – haven’t heard from you, and I was starting to get worried.”

Mitch shucks his coat into the hall closet and tells himself to stay calm and – fuck Marner, don’t you dare cry.

“Mitch—“ Auston calls again when he doesn’t answer.

“I’m fine, sorry I haven’t called you. I’ve been busy, y’know?”

Auston makes a noise from the other room. “C’mon, Marns, it’s just me. What’s going on? You can tell me.”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Mitch assures him coming into the room. 

“Mitch—“

“I’m fine—“ fuck, he already broke the Cardinal Rule of no crying.

“You’re freaking me out,” Auston says pulling him into a hug. “Whatever it is – we’ll get through it together. Are you sick?”

“No,” Mitch replies trembling slightly. “I’m fine.”

“Mitch—“

“I’m pregnant,” he says slowly eeking it out like it’s painful, which fuck – it is.

“You’re what?” Auston asks trailing off into Spanish that Mitch can’t make sense of.

“I know we were careful – I don’t know how it happened. I’m so scared, Auston,” Mitch admits sobbing into this shoulder.

“We’ll get through this, alright. It’ll be fine,” Auston assures him.

“Nothing’s fine,” Mitch insists. “How can – nothing is going to be fine.”

Auston doesn’t say anything else, just let’s Mitch cry into his chest until he can’t anymore.

Mitch knows he can’t do this. He can’t have this baby. They're still fucking kids. Auston literally was a teenager a few months ago, and Mitch not much longer before that.

They weren’t ready to have a kid – even if someday – someday Mitch could see it – the two of them with a little toddler with ripped jeans, Jordans, and big smile. But not now.

It hasn’t been a great start to the season for Mitch either, and selfishly, he knows that if he takes that much time off, he may never get his spot back in the lineup. The timing couldn’t be worse.

They don’t talk about it again until the next day when Mitch drives them to practice. 

“So, like can you play hockey?” Auston asks quietly mumbling most of it into his hand.

Mitch shrugs, “Dr. Murray didn’t say I couldn’t. I guess it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“What do you mean?” Auston asks both eyebrows disappearing into his hairline.

“I’m not keeping it,” Mitch says slowly. Wasn’t it obvious?

“You’re not—“ Auston stops short and Mitch can hear his breathing starting to pick up. “Were you even going to talk to me about this?”

Mitch bites his lip, “It’s my choice, Matts. It’s my body. It’s my fucking future on the line, here.”

“Are you fucking—“ Auston pauses. “What about our kid’s life, Mitch? What about that? This isn’t just about you anymore.”

“Fuck you!” Mitch says slamming his hand against the steering wheel as he pulls into the lot for practice. “Don’t you dare lecture me. Do you think this is easy? Do you think I want to do this?”

“Then don’t!” Auston exclaims slamming his door forcefully as he gets out of Mitch’s truck. 

Dr. McNally is young and beautiful. She shakes Mitch’s hand with a kind smile on her face, but Mitch can tell she takes no prisoners. “Martha, my assistant, said your partner was coming? Are we still waiting on him?”

“Uh,” Mitch thinks back to their conversation that morning. “He couldn’t make it after all.”

“Ah,” she says nodding like she knows exactly what was said and by whom.

“Yeah,” Mitch replies looking at the floor. He won’t allow himself to get upset by it again. Fuck Auston.

She walks him through his various options, explains what it would be like to carry the pregnancy to term, how they place babies with adoptive families, and everything that Mitch hadn’t even thought of.

“I know it’s a lot,” she says patting one of his hands. “It’s overwhelming for most people, no matter how old they are and how much support they have.”

Mitch nods feeling numb again. “Dr. McNally?”

She locks eyes with him giving him a curious look. “Yes?”

“Do you think it’s selfish to pick hockey over this baby’s life?”

“I can’t answer that, sweetie,” she shrugs. “But, listen, there are many reasons why men and women choose to end their pregnancies. Sometimes it’s financial, sometimes the timing’s not right. A lot of times, they just know they’re not ready. It’s okay to be young and scared, and a lot of young people make great parents. But, some don’t, and that’s okay. This is your life, Mitch – no one can tell you how to live it, okay?”

Mitch nods, and he can feel tears start to form in the corners of his eyes. “I don’t want to regret my decision.”

She nods, “The only way you won’t regret this decision is if you’re the one who truly makes it. This is your body and your choice. You have to do what’s best for you.”

He calls Stromer on his way home knowing that of Mitch’s friends, Dylan’s always been good about being truthful and honest, but also being caring. It’s like his superpower.

“What’s up, Marns?”

“I – I’m pregnant.”

“Fuck,” he hears Dylan says along with some shouting in the background. “Hold on, let me go somewhere quiet.”

“There, sorry – I thought I heard you say you were pregnant.”

“I did.”

“Fuck, I’m going to kill Matthews.”

“I’m scared, Dylan.”

“Marns—“

“Matts wants me to keep it, but I can’t Dylan. Fuck, I’m only 20 – we’re only 20. And like, I’m pretty much still a kid – how am I supposed to raise one.”

“You’d figure it out—“

“I don’t want to figure it out, is the thing,” he shouts and it feels real for the first time. “I’m not ready to figure it out, and I don’t want to. I – I want kids someday, Dylan, sure. But not – not like this, not now.”

“Tell him that, Mitch. It’s your choice.”

Auston’s in his apartment again when he gets home. He’s really got to change the locks or something.

“Did you come back to yell at me some more?”

“No,” Auston replies quietly. “I’m sorry – you just caught me off guard, and I didn’t think—“

“Well, that sucks,” Mitch says sarcastically. “Because you really hurt my fucking feelings – acting like I hadn’t thought this through.”

Auston looks ashamed at that. “I don’t know if it’s the choice I’d make,” Auston admits. “It’s like – even though my family’s not religious, the Mexican-Catholic thing is something you can’t really grow out of. But, if you’re sure, then you’re sure. It’s your body, Mitch. I know that. I respect that.”

Mitch nods sniffling reaching for Auston tucking himself under his chin.

“Love you,” Auston whispers kissing the top of Mitch’s head.

“Love you, too.”

To his surprise, Auston comes with him to the procedure.

“Obviously,” Auston says when Mitch bring it up.

“Obviously,” Mitch parrots slowly. “No, not really—“

“Mitch, c’mon, we’re in this together.”

It’s the most uncomfortable he’s ever been in a doctor’s office in his life. Auston is gripping his hand hard enough to bruise as Dr. McNally comes into the room.

She shakes Auston’s hand and asks him and Mitch if they have any questions.

They don’t, mostly because neither one of them really feel comfortable speaking.

She checks his IV and his vitals, and says something to the nurse before turning back to him.

“Ready?”

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be, but he nods and puts his feet into the stirrups. He knows the drugs are working, but he still feels like he may throw up. He must start to say some of that because Auston shushes him gripping his hand even harder and kissing his forehead. 

“You’re okay,” he tells Mitch.

It doesn’t hurt, not really. There’s a little bit of pressure, but he can’t really describe it as pain. The emotional feelings – everything that’s going on in his head is way, way worse.

It’s over in about 10 minutes, which he feels is almost laughable in comparison to what the procedure actually means.

“That’s it?” he asks Dr. NcNally.

She smiles at him faintly, “Yep. Pretty painless, right?”

Mitch nods numbly and looks at Auston, whose face looks exactly as Mitch feels.

They go home, and it feels comically uneventful. They hold hands over the gearshift, and Auston drives for once, but really that’s the only difference than any other car ride they’ve had together over the past year and a half. 

He wants to go to bed right away; he wants to go to sleep and end this terrible day once and for all.

Auston doesn’t try to stop him. Just reads some of the aftercare instructions and makes sure that Mitch follows them.

Auston curls up with him in bed and lets him cry – they both cry. They cry and cry and cry until they can't cry anymore. 

He knows that he made the right choice. But it’s still – it’s not easy knowing what he just did. 

He’s never really thought about his feelings towards abortion. He considered himself pro-choice, sure, but the kind of pro-choice that’s like “I don’t think I’d ever have one, but everyone should have a choice.” It’s ironic in retrospect.

There’s cramping and more blood, and Mitch cries and cries and just wants it to be over. It doesn’t hurt, and he kind of wishes that it would, so that it would physically feel as monumental as it is.

He made a mistake – they made a mistake. He couldn’t undo it; he couldn’t go back in time and change it.

The only thing that he could control is how he reacted. This is what he chose – this is what he has to live with. It’s not just as easy as getting up the next day and pretending that it didn’t happen – that it didn’t matter. It mattered. It matters.

He doesn’t regret his choice. But, it still keeps him up at night sometimes. He still wakes up crying in the middle of the night. There’s still guilt that he can’t shake.

Maybe one day it’ll fade. But now, it’s something that’s ever-present in his life. Some mistakes are life-altering, no matter how you react to them.

It’s not fair, maybe, and it’s not right. But, this is what he has to live with. Maybe if the world was different, he’d feel differently. Maybe if the world was different, Auston would be able to look at him without a combination of pity and detest – just because he supports what Mitch did doesn’t mean he has to like it.

Sometimes, Mitch feels like he’s more alone than ever before.

Mitch knows someday they’ll be great parents. Someday, when they’re ready they’ll be able to give everything and more to their kid. Mitch knows someday he’ll look back on this and know he made the most important decision of his life. But right now, it still hurts, and Mitch doesn’t think the pain’s going anywhere anytime soon.

There’s some mistakes you have to live with, and some choices that follow you, change you, and challenge you. 

That’s how Mitch now lives his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh, I don't know how I feel about this. Please let me know in the comments below.
> 
> A note that I've never personally had an abortion, so it may be a little hand-wavey. I did do some internet-research and ask a few friends, but I've also never lived in Canada, so not sure how different the surgical procedure would be there.
> 
> Not sure if it's 100% clear, but the abortion is not something that Mitch regrets, when he refers to his mistake, he's referring to the accidental pregnancy, not the abortion.
> 
> Possibly the most controversial piece I've ever posted, please let me know what you think. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
